So it has come to my understanding that this life is somewhat not wired to meet my demands. I have become impatient, I want my white picket fence and mowed lawn. Oh! Don't forget the dog and kids, who wouldn't want those; I mean, isn't that what life is all about? My biology lecturer made it very clear that our sole biological purpose "is to pass on our genes". If only he knew how hard it was for me to attract my sperm donor. That's who he will be; I have accepted that the fairytale is not mine to claim but to marvel as my friends get hitched and hook up with beings of the opposite sex. Man, if I had a dollar for every shitty fantasy I willfully indulged my heart and soul into I would be a trillion times richer. Every tall guy I see, I picture getting married to and calculating when and how we would pop each one out. I have run of patience. Is it wrong of me to feel this way? Am I the only one who longs and craves for love? Some would say it's God I was longing for. Tell me this: how long does it take for Him to answer my cry for help if it's His love I am longing for? Another thing I have to point out is that a very young girl from my class recently got married to a man who looks old enough to be her dad. This gives me the chills. If she can go for such a man, then where does that leave me? Where is my life headed? Why is it hard for me and why now? These are questions I will never get answered but I have to ask because my heart feels unsettled.
Monday, 5 September 2016
Sunday, 4 September 2016
Let it pour
And just like that, the fear came rushing back in. I was doing so well, over the last couple of weeks I had decided to live each day fabulously and try to make myself happy. I bought good clothes, ate out and went out of my way o make sure I looked really good and confident. Something I've never admitted to anyone, or to myself, was that I enjoyed sympathy from people. I would exaggerate about the hard time I had with someone or something just so I could try to connect with people. I told a classmate of mine last week Friday that I was still finding it hard to get over the affair; she did not know that I was covering up for the extra points I got for a wrong answer on the previous test. So, I gave her this sob story of how I desperately needed to go home just so I could get a hug from my mum and tell her of how of a hard time I was having in Zambia. Everybody at home thinks I am doing fine, I occasionally send them pictures and random texts of the most amazing experiences I am having at school and my wild adventures. Meanwhile, here I am in class, telling the girl who sits right in front of me that I hated being here and was seriously considering dropping out of school.
Let me quickly take you 4 months back, where I would be, on a typical Sunday afternoon, lying on this guy I thought I was going to marry very soon. Okay, in all honesty I was not planning on getting hitched then but society has a way of convincing you to dive into dreams you had no intentions of ever yielding to. Mark, who I then thought to be a good guy turned out to be my worst nightmare. For starters, he didn't like me, he did not care about me and he was a terrible liar. He would constantly try to assure me that he was doing the right thing by being with me, that I was exactly what he was looking for and wouldn't want it any other way. Boy was I blind. The first time he had approached me, I had made it very clear that I did not want anything intimate and sexual while I was trying to build my career. I was determined to become a success and finally give my mum the life she has always wanted. Fast forward to 2 months and I start realizing of my escape; I knew I was in too deep but his lies were good enough to let go of the fairy tale I had always dreamt of. He was not my first choice, given that I already liked a guy who I had to reconsider because he just wasn't too serious enough for a romantic relationship.
The nights I spent with him were unforgettable, but my tummy churns every time I think about how foolish I was not to do a background check on him before letting him into my precious part of love. I recently spoke to him, not because I wanted to. Yes, I needed closure but Friday was not the right day for that. I feel like my classmate has been feeding him information about our little chats. I am hoping for a new relationship, one that brings joy and peace. Of course I want to fall in love, have a family and fulfill my biological role, gravity however, would rather have me look like a feminist when all I crave for are lips to caress.
I had a strange dream last night. The jerk I went on what I was hoping would be a date but turned out to be my worst night in Zambia, appeared in my dream and I saw myself flirting and open to the idea of having a relationship with him. Mark too was in the dream and this time it was him doing the chasing. I do not even want to read into it, for the obvious reason of not wanting to jinx what I have been secretly wishing for, but because I have finally accepted the fact that I am not his. It took a while for me to understand and appreciate the power and attraction soulmates have on each other. No one can ever come between two hearts that are meant to be together; their love is way too strong to every dissipate into thin air.
So, I leave you with my mother's words, "Darling, do not ever beg for a man's attention and love". "Whatever you do, face the facts and accept the truth; wishing and hoping for what was not meant to be will not make it yours."
Let me quickly take you 4 months back, where I would be, on a typical Sunday afternoon, lying on this guy I thought I was going to marry very soon. Okay, in all honesty I was not planning on getting hitched then but society has a way of convincing you to dive into dreams you had no intentions of ever yielding to. Mark, who I then thought to be a good guy turned out to be my worst nightmare. For starters, he didn't like me, he did not care about me and he was a terrible liar. He would constantly try to assure me that he was doing the right thing by being with me, that I was exactly what he was looking for and wouldn't want it any other way. Boy was I blind. The first time he had approached me, I had made it very clear that I did not want anything intimate and sexual while I was trying to build my career. I was determined to become a success and finally give my mum the life she has always wanted. Fast forward to 2 months and I start realizing of my escape; I knew I was in too deep but his lies were good enough to let go of the fairy tale I had always dreamt of. He was not my first choice, given that I already liked a guy who I had to reconsider because he just wasn't too serious enough for a romantic relationship.
The nights I spent with him were unforgettable, but my tummy churns every time I think about how foolish I was not to do a background check on him before letting him into my precious part of love. I recently spoke to him, not because I wanted to. Yes, I needed closure but Friday was not the right day for that. I feel like my classmate has been feeding him information about our little chats. I am hoping for a new relationship, one that brings joy and peace. Of course I want to fall in love, have a family and fulfill my biological role, gravity however, would rather have me look like a feminist when all I crave for are lips to caress.
I had a strange dream last night. The jerk I went on what I was hoping would be a date but turned out to be my worst night in Zambia, appeared in my dream and I saw myself flirting and open to the idea of having a relationship with him. Mark too was in the dream and this time it was him doing the chasing. I do not even want to read into it, for the obvious reason of not wanting to jinx what I have been secretly wishing for, but because I have finally accepted the fact that I am not his. It took a while for me to understand and appreciate the power and attraction soulmates have on each other. No one can ever come between two hearts that are meant to be together; their love is way too strong to every dissipate into thin air.
So, I leave you with my mother's words, "Darling, do not ever beg for a man's attention and love". "Whatever you do, face the facts and accept the truth; wishing and hoping for what was not meant to be will not make it yours."
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