Let it pour

And just like that, the fear came rushing back in. I was doing so well, over the last couple of weeks I had decided to live each day fabulously and try to make myself happy. I bought good clothes, ate out and went out of my way o make sure I looked really good and confident. Something I've never admitted to anyone, or to myself, was that I enjoyed sympathy from people. I would exaggerate about the hard time I had with someone or something just so I could try to connect with people. I told a classmate of mine last week Friday that I was still finding it hard to get over the affair; she did not know that I was covering up for the extra points I got for a wrong answer on the previous test. So, I gave her this sob story of how I desperately needed to go home just so I could get a hug from my mum and tell her of how of a hard time I was having in Zambia. Everybody at home thinks I am doing fine, I occasionally send them pictures and random texts of the most amazing experiences I am having at school and my wild adventures. Meanwhile, here I am in class, telling the girl who sits right in front of me that I hated being here and was seriously considering dropping out of school.

Let me quickly take you 4 months back, where I would be, on a typical Sunday afternoon, lying on this guy I thought I was going to marry very soon. Okay, in all honesty I was not planning on getting hitched then but society has a way of convincing you to dive into dreams you had no intentions of ever yielding to. Mark, who I then thought to be a good guy turned out to be my worst nightmare. For starters, he didn't like me, he did not care about me and he was a terrible liar. He would constantly try to assure me that he was doing the right thing by being with me, that I was exactly what he was looking for and wouldn't want it any other way. Boy was I blind. The first time he had approached me, I had made it very clear that I did not want anything intimate and sexual while I was trying to build my career. I was determined to become a success and finally give my mum the life she has always wanted. Fast forward to 2 months and I start realizing of my escape; I knew I was in too deep but his lies were good enough to let go of the fairy tale I had always dreamt of. He was not my first choice, given that I already liked a guy who I had to reconsider because he just wasn't too serious enough for a romantic relationship.

The nights I spent with him were unforgettable, but my tummy churns every time I think about how foolish I was not to do a background check on him before letting him into my precious part of love. I recently spoke to him, not because I wanted to. Yes, I needed closure but Friday was not the right day for that. I feel like my classmate has been feeding him information about our little chats. I am hoping for a new relationship, one that brings joy and peace. Of course I want to fall in love, have a family and fulfill my biological role, gravity however, would rather have me look like a feminist when all I crave for are lips to caress.

I had a strange dream last night. The jerk I went on what I was hoping would be a date but turned out to be my worst night in Zambia, appeared in my dream and I saw myself flirting and open to the idea of having a relationship with him. Mark too was in the dream and this time it was him doing the chasing. I do not even want to read into it, for the obvious reason of not wanting to jinx  what I have been secretly wishing for, but because I have finally accepted the fact that I am not his. It took a while for me to understand and appreciate the power and attraction soulmates have on each other. No one can ever come between two hearts that are meant to be together; their love is way too strong to every dissipate into thin air.

So, I leave you with my mother's words, "Darling, do not ever beg for a man's attention and love". "Whatever you do, face the facts and accept the truth; wishing and hoping for what was not meant to be will not make it yours."