Looking back at my previous post I should've taken up literature because my writing isn't all that bad. There is a little bit of humour5and of course the tear-jerking stories of how much my life is such an epic fail. But, through my unapproved way of handling situations, I am feeling a little too proud of this woman I am today. Well, I know success isn't a measure of the possessions and the amount of influence one has over multitudes but let's face it, that's when people truly start to recognize your worth in society.
Tonight I am here freezing my ovaries because I am pissed at the way life always throws a curved ball at me. Can I just not catch a break and have things work-out in my favour? And again I have silence to answer me and keep me mum.
Oh, it's been a while since my last update. Before you start with the excitement let me assure you that nothing phenomenal happened. I have yet to cut off all ties with Greg. I don't know why I chose to settle for a man who doesn't call me beautiful or who refuses to buy me flowers; after all dealing with cards you've been dealt with isn't such of a bad idea, I mean you can'tgo wrong with what life hands to me, right? Just thinking about the predicament I'm in really brings all the bad memories and the anxiety I thought I had the doctors put away for good.
I miss my 19 year-old self. She had a lot going on but she was grounded in her maker. Now, she's struggling to stop herself from drowning as she swims through the raging storms. How I long crying my heart out to my maker, He used to be nearer but I've never felt so alone. And who's to blame? Me. I haven't made much of an effort to reach out or to cry out I'm rather doubting my existence and the essence of His being. I am questioning everything I've come to know about life and it's brevity. Why are we here? Again, why are we here?
I have yet to start my way through life. Don't even ask when I am likely to get married because I'm nowhere close to opening that envelope. And the mystery continues, who am I and which path was designed for me? Am I entirely entitled to all that is God-given? Why wasn't I privileged to experience love and why do people keep taking advantage of me like I have not concerned maker but a mythical God that watches down on me once in a thousand light years?
Had I died when I was at unam I would've been sure of entering Heaven. Now, I am not too sure. You ask why? Because I am not much of a Christian then I was 25 years ago. God is all good and his character is uncontested but I am just failing to believe again. I have drunk so much of this reality kool-aid that I am not certain of His love for me.
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